Tekken Vs Fanfiction
by HHH-fan-2001
Summary: Due to the offending nature of this piece, I will pre-admit to random accusations of being bitter about (insert randomly accused object of bitternes here)


A typical Tekken Fanfic  
  
By I_love_Jin_although_have_never_played_tekken  
  
Summary: Hi everybody. I have An original story that has a lot to do with romance & nothing to do with Fighting. When I say original I mean ripped straight off Buffy the vampire slayer. Please review. No flames. Just ass-kissing  
  
Scene 1  
  
Heihachi: I'm a10th dan karate master who meditates for hours a day in the quest for enlightenment & admires the finest of Japanese arts & I've built a shitty little company from nothing to the unofficial world government But I'm just a senile old pervert in this story. Now to do something evil that involves capturing my grandson! HAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
Scene 2  
  
Jin: Look at me. I'm the mysterious tragic hero that keeps to himself..just like Angel.er! I mean...like an original character. Now I need a love interest  
  
Julia: How about me! I'm a crap rehash of Michelle. Look at my big boobs  
  
Xiaoyu fans: BOOOOOO! This offends me more than the time I read that fanfic with Julia & Jin  
  
Xiaoyu: No pick me! I'm exciting & bubbly  
  
Jin: Like an aero?  
  
Julia: No. Bubbly's just another word for annoying  
  
Jin: Alright, how about a compromise? I'll dump both of you & go gay  
  
Nerd Chicks: WOOOOOOOOOOOH!! I'm gonna have sex with Jin through Hwoarang  
  
Hwoarang: I'm nerd chick fantasy number 2. The wild biker boy that she longs to tame  
  
Jin: Dude, the nerd chick fantasy is a pulse  
  
Hwoarang: No, that's nerd chick minimum requirement. The nerd chick fantasy is Orlando Bloom  
  
Jin: No one likes the actor 'Orlando Bloom' just the character Legolas  
  
Hwoarang: Maybe Legolas should be your love interest  
  
Author: Not so fast. I've written myself in & I'm gonna be your love interest.  
  
Jin: Oh god not another cameo  
  
Author: Xiaoyu. I hate you. For no apparent reason whatsoever. I've never seen a cut-scene that involved you or fought against you or chosen you or played Tekken for that matter. I just hate you & I'm gonna make a joke at your expense to establish my superiority over you as a character  
  
Xiaoyu; Don't you have a LOTR convention to drop dead in?  
  
Julia: So. you felt you were essential to the story line because...?  
  
Author: I'm not. I've grown so envious of this social circle of attractive people that I've created & will never experience in real life that I just had to include myself  
  
Jin: Its only on paper  
  
Author: My therapist says that's the best I can ever hope for...so pants off  
  
Jin: I bet your gonna be the best lay I've ever had aren't you?  
  
Author: Damn straight. But I have so much inner beauty too. Just cause none of the people at school see it.....(Whispers) they'll all pay..  
  
Jin: What?  
  
Author: NOW! For my amateurish porn scene.  
  
Jin: So Hwoarang, You say your right side throw is fatal?  
  
Hwoarang: Not if you play with 140% energy  
  
Author: What the hell are you two talking about? .... Oh yeah, that's right - you're a fighting game. Oh god you're so muscular. It must be all those crazy martial arts you do  
  
Jin: No I pump steroids  
  
Author: Whatever you say my wickle icky sexy martial artist  
  
Jin: Don't talk that way again. It may be acceptable to your fat, ugly, pimply, sword collecting, DBZ watching boyfriend, but If I hear it again..I'll hurt you  
  
Author: What? But seriously, can my boyfriend get into that shape?  
  
Jin/Hwoarang/Julia/Xiaoyu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Jin/Hwoarang/Julia/Xiaoyu: Deep breath  
  
Jin/Hwoarang/Julia/Xiaoyu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Jin: No  
  
Hwoarang: I've brought professional wrestler & all around good guy King, to explain  
  
King: Your Yu-Gi-Oh playing , fanfic writing boyfriend will never be muscular because he has neither the ability or motivation to do so. He knows you'll never leave him because you'll never get with anyone else again. You'll never even be a drunk college guy's last resort  
  
Author: LIES, LIES, LIES!!! Shutup! (Listens to slipknot or Linkin park or whatever crap suicidal music teen angst compels her to)  
  
King: I'd like to finish off by taking a shot at all jerks who don't put me in fanfics purely because I'm not a teen heart-throb.  
  
Jin: You're very lucky. Its actually a humiliating role  
  
Hwaorang: Yeah. Why do people think we're gay? Is there something effeminate about the way I carry out acts of mindless violence & crime?  
  
Jin: I don't know Hwoarang, I just don't know  
  
Lee: At least no one makes you do it with your brother  
  
Kazuya: (Shudders)..By the way, I'm Kazuya. I'm a heartless potential Yakuza Boss but in this story, I play a tragic hero looking for the family I never had..Like some other jerk off Buffy...Er! I Mean...an original character  
  
Author: So Jin. Are you gonna sex me up or what?  
  
Jin: It amuses me that you'll never actually have sex with a physically attractive person  
  
10 Billion orgasms later  
  
Jin: Now that we've established a perfect & tranquil scene, it will inevitably be torn by some love triangle or violent kidnapping or murder  
  
Hwoarang: I notice we're all wearing black gothic stuff that is completely out of character & irrelevant as the readers will forget in two sentences & once again use our In-game models as their imagination reference.  
  
Xiaoyu: I too noticed this  
  
Julia: As a spare-part that hasn't had a line in ages, I notice that our speech is stilted & unnatural  
  
Chinook 5-seater assault helicopter flies in & 50 men pour out...& Heihachi  
  
Kazuya: Neat...er! I mean some spiteful line for throwing me down that cliff  
  
Heihachi: Its built with clown car technology  
  
Kazuya: Circus clown or rodeo clown?...er! I mean.another spiteful line with added death threat  
  
Author: Good job boys, you're really creating that tension atmosphere that I want but no one cares about  
  
Jin: C'mon Dad we can take them all  
  
Several sentences that no one read later  
  
Kazuya: Not a lot of respect for our ethnic origin in our speech huh?  
  
Jin: Now lets get Grampa  
  
Heihachi: (some perverted line that inevitably ends in manical laughter)  
  
Kazuya: We've just beaten 50 men. You'll be no problem  
  
Heihachi: You'd think so wouldn't you  
  
Next scene with Jin & Kazuya racked up to some chains in a dojo  
  
Jin: How the **** did that happen!?  
  
Kazuya: Eh. Figures  
  
Heihachi: I'm gonna bring some people in to beat you up now  
  
Enter Bruce & Ganryu  
  
Heihachi: By lacking sexual appeal, they've been typecast into the brainless hired goons with no lines who are beaten up easily category  
  
Ganryu: I've been typecast as a Michelle stalker  
  
Heihachi: OH MY GOD! HE TALKS  
  
Everyone falls down & dies  
  
The End  
  
Hey, I've seen worse endings. Alternate route:  
  
Kazuya: So Why do you keep going after Michelle. Sumo wrestlers are well respected in our country & can have hordes upon hordes of concubines & groupies  
  
Jin: I call them groupubines  
  
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Ganryu: I must have a thing for Native Americans with crappy revenge stories  
  
Heihachi: Well, well. What do you know, beggars can be choosers  
  
Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Heihachi: Swish!  
  
Ganryu: That's it!  
  
Heihachi: Bring it on fatty  
  
Ganryu: I will baldy  
  
Bruce: whut you call me biatch?  
  
Heihachi, ganryu & Bruce engage in brawl  
  
Jin: Ahem. You haven't unwittingly revealed your plans to us.  
  
Heihachi: That's for the next chapter. If we leave them in suspense, they'll surely read it again. If they want to find out my plans & who's you're secret stalker? Will the shadowy figure who attacked Lee reveal himself? What sinister betrayal lies beneath the gentle demeanour of Xiaoyu?  
  
Jin: A most importantly of all, What the **** are you talking about?  
  
Heihachi: Only time will tell. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
The Reviews  
  
The users alternate account: WOW! Best story ever  
  
Ling_fan: No Jin & Ling. (spits) This fic disgusts me beyond my most horrible murder  
  
Dumbass: Wow. I really can't figure out these mysteries. They're really hard. I can't wait for the next chapter  
  
Ass kisser: I really love this story. Its really great. Now review mine!  
  
Some Jerk: Next chapter or I'll threaten you. j/k  
  
Another jerk: I'll threaten you if you don't get the next chapter j/k  
  
J/k: Next chapter or I'll have to threaten someone 


End file.
